My husband gave me this ring almost 9 years ago, and it is one of the most special things I own. Not because of the diamonds or the gold, or because it’s a pretty bow, but because of what it represents.
He gave me this ring on a rainy, cold day in December. I had just taken my millionth pregnancy test, but this time it came up positive. After years of struggling and heartache, countless medical tests and procedures, more doctors, nurses, and labs (and med students) than I ever wanted to see, so much pain and waiting…finally. A positive test. Finally our prayers were answered. Finally we were starting a family. Finally a baby was on the way!
My amazing, thoughtful husband gave me this ring after seeing that positive test. A way to remember (how could we forget) this long awaited day. A small treasure with big meaning that was a secret just between the two of us.
Blood work every few days confirmed that positive test, and our hearts were nearly bursting with joy and gratitude. Weeks later our love was multiplied when we saw not one, but 2 tiny babies on the ultrasound screen. God had given us twins!
I wore this ring everyday. Every time I looked at it I smiled and prayed for our babies.
Weeks later an ultrasound revealed that the babies didn’t seem to be growing quite as they should be. We were nervous, but had hope and so much faith that God would take care of them. He would sustain them and our babies would be ok.
Christmas came and we broke the news to our families that 2 babies were on the way. These babies that have be prayed over for years, at last were coming.
Days later an ultrasound confirmed our babies had no heartbeats. They had stopped growing. I would soon miscarry. Devastation doesn’t seem to describe our pain. We were beyond heartbroken.
New year’s day we lost our babies. I could have filled all the oceans of the world with my tears.
I set my ring in a box.
My prayers were caught in my throat, but I know that during this time, the Holy Spirit was interceding for us.
Since that time we have lost 5 more babies. Each time the agony seemed to be more than we could bear. But Christ sustained us.
Today my husband and I have 13 children. 7 of them we never got to hold. We don’t know if they are boys or girls. They do not have names. We’ve never seen their faces. Though our arms forever ache for them, heaven is their home, and Jesus has them under his care. I can’t compete with that.
Mother’s Day is tricky business for those who struggle(d) with infertility, those who bear the pain of losing a child, those who no longer have a mother.
People see me now, 6 months pregnant and with 5 small children, and they have no idea the pain and struggle we have endured. Some of these people are in so much pain, and they think I could never understand. But they don’t know our story.
For years I fought back tears (I alway lost that fight) on Mother’s Day. And even now that I have these 5 precious babies that I can hold, my heart is still very aware of the 6 that I never will hold until glory. A heart can be filled with joy and thankfulness and all the while be breaking. This day is so very bittersweet.
Many do not understand how someone like me with so many children can still feel pain over the babies we lost. But having a baby doesn’t erase the babies who are no longer living. Those babies are forever in our hearts, and thoughts, and one sweet day we will embrace them. Heaven will be so sweet.
I don’t know why the Lord allowed us to go through this struggle. Why He allowed so much pain. Why he didn’t allow us to keep those babies. I may never understand.
I do know that He loves us more than we can imagine. I know that everything works together for His glory and our good – even when it doesn’t feel that way. I know that everything that happens is all part of his perfect plan – even when it hurts. I know that I will treasure my time with my babies with all that is in me, as long as I live.
If you are struggling this Mother’s Day and you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. And if you are hurting and you see me with my babies, smiling and happy, remember I am also carrying the burden of those longing to be mothers, and the mothers who have lost a child…and I am there with you missing my babies; all the while celebrating these little ones God has given us.
And I will wear this ring for my angel babies.
Mommy loves you.
Ephesians 3:20-21
MY LATEST RECIPES
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Originally published on May 6, 2016
Lauren Kelly Nutrition says
Thank you so much for sharing your story with everyone. You have such a beautiful family and they are so blessed to have you as their mother. I am so sorry you had to go through that heartache.
SuzieW says
I was very touched by your writing.
J. says
I’m sitting here browsing Facebook a day after having a D&C at 13 weeks wondering if I am going to even Ben blue to handle Mother’s Day this year, and saw this. Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope and makes me feel not so alone. ❤
Stephanie Brubaker says
Oh, how my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. You are definitely not alone, I am right there with you. Mother’s Day can really sting…I will pray for you for strength and comfort <3
Serene @ House of Yumm says
Such a wonderful post Stephanie! You have beautiful children, and your love for all of them and your joy in being a mother is so visible. Happy Mother’s Day <3
Abby says
I lost my 2 month old son in September and I’m dreading Mothers Day this year. I’m so sad and broken. Thank you for posting this… it can help make others aware that this holiday is not happy for everyone.
Stephanie Brubaker says
Abby, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you have to bear this incredibly painful burden. Praying for you, especially this weekend.