My husband gave me this ring almost 9 years ago, and it is one of the most special things I own. Not because of the diamonds or the gold, or because it’s a pretty bow, but because of what it represents.
He gave me this ring on a rainy, cold day in December. I had just taken my millionth pregnancy test, but this time it came up positive. After years of struggling and heartache, countless medical tests and procedures, more doctors, nurses, and labs (and med students) than I ever wanted to see, so much pain and waiting…finally. A positive test. Finally our prayers were answered. Finally we were starting a family. Finally a baby was on the way!
My amazing, thoughtful husband gave me this ring after seeing that positive test. A way to remember (how could we forget) this long awaited day. A small treasure with big meaning that was a secret just between the two of us.
Blood work every few days confirmed that positive test, and our hearts were nearly bursting with joy and gratitude. Weeks later our love was multiplied when we saw not one, but 2 tiny babies on the ultrasound screen. God had given us twins!
I wore this ring everyday. Every time I looked at it I smiled and prayed for our babies.
Weeks later an ultrasound revealed that the babies didn’t seem to be growing quite as they should be. We were nervous, but had hope and so much faith that God would take care of them. He would sustain them and our babies would be ok.
Christmas came and we broke the news to our families that 2 babies were on the way. These babies that have be prayed over for years, at last were coming.
Days later an ultrasound confirmed our babies had no heartbeats. They had stopped growing. I would soon miscarry. Devastation doesn’t seem to describe our pain. We were beyond heartbroken.
New year’s day we lost our babies. I could have filled all the oceans of the world with my tears.
I set my ring in a box.
My prayers were caught in my throat, but I know that during this time, the Holy Spirit was interceding for us.
Since that time we have lost 5 more babies. Each time the agony seemed to be more than we could bear. But Christ sustained us.
Today my husband and I have 13 children. 7 of them we never got to hold. We don’t know if they are boys or girls. They do not have names. We’ve never seen their faces. Though our arms forever ache for them, heaven is their home, and Jesus has them under his care. I can’t compete with that.
Mother’s Day is tricky business for those who struggle(d) with infertility, those who bear the pain of losing a child, those who no longer have a mother.
People see me now, 6 months pregnant and with 5 small children, and they have no idea the pain and struggle we have endured. Some of these people are in so much pain, and they think I could never understand. But they don’t know our story.
For years I fought back tears (I alway lost that fight) on Mother’s Day. And even now that I have these 7 precious babies that I can hold, my heart is still very aware of the 10 that I never will hold until glory. A heart can be filled with joy and thankfulness and all the while be breaking. This day is so very bittersweet.
Many do not understand how someone like me with so many children can still feel pain over the babies we lost. But having a baby doesn’t erase the babies who are no longer living. Those babies are forever in our hearts, and thoughts, and one sweet day we will embrace them. Heaven will be so sweet.
I don’t know why the Lord allowed us to go through this struggle. Why He allowed so much pain. Why he didn’t allow us to keep those babies. I may never understand.
I do know that He loves us more than we can imagine. I know that everything works together for His glory and our good – even when it doesn’t feel that way. I know that everything that happens is all part of his perfect plan – even when it hurts. I know that I will treasure my time with my babies with all that is in me, as long as I live.
If you are struggling this Mother’s Day and you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. And if you are hurting and you see me with my babies, smiling and happy, remember I am also carrying the burden of those longing to be mothers, and the mothers who have lost a child…and I am there with you missing my babies; all the while celebrating these little ones God has given us.
And I will wear this ring for my angel babies.
Mommy loves you.
Ephesians 3:20-21
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Originally published on May 6, 2016
Casey N. says
You have a beautiful family. Thank you sharing your story. I too know the heartache of infertility. I was unable to have any children. I’m thankful I have my mom to celebrate mother’s day. One day I will not, and mother’s day will be awful.
Abby says
I lost my 2 month old son in September and I’m dreading Mothers Day this year. I’m so sad and broken. Thank you for posting this… it can help make others aware that this holiday is not happy for everyone.
Stephanie Brubaker says
Abby, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you have to bear this incredibly painful burden. Praying for you, especially this weekend.
Serene @ House of Yumm says
Such a wonderful post Stephanie! You have beautiful children, and your love for all of them and your joy in being a mother is so visible. Happy Mother’s Day <3
J. says
I’m sitting here browsing Facebook a day after having a D&C at 13 weeks wondering if I am going to even Ben blue to handle Mother’s Day this year, and saw this. Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope and makes me feel not so alone. ❤
Stephanie Brubaker says
Oh, how my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. You are definitely not alone, I am right there with you. Mother’s Day can really sting…I will pray for you for strength and comfort <3
SuzieW says
I was very touched by your writing.
Lauren Kelly Nutrition says
Thank you so much for sharing your story with everyone. You have such a beautiful family and they are so blessed to have you as their mother. I am so sorry you had to go through that heartache.
Amy says
Hi Stephanie,
Our stories are so similar. I’m in tears reading yours. It could very well be one I wrote. I have 8 children, 4 in heaven. Mother’s Day is always a hard day but I keep it to myself. Thank you for sharing. It’s a difficult subject for us to write about and others to read about but so thankful to know we aren’t alone. A club none of us wanted to have membership in. Much love and hugs to you!
Heather says
Hi Stephanie
I don’t usually comment but feel to this time.
As someone who would fall pregnant at the mention of the word I could never understand why people wanted to have children, just because it is such a painful world I couldn’t imagine doing that to them. I fell pregnant young and struggled my whole young life, but the Lord is Faithful to walk with us and be our rod and our staff to protect us. I have 2 beautiful Godly boys and can’t imagine life without them despite the trials and raising them on my own.
I read your story and wept like I’d never stop, how much more for you. I comfort in the thought that he bottles all our tears… It would seem heaven couldn’t be big enough for ours.Then I smiled seeing your new loves and then cried some more. The Lord tells us to weep with those who are weeping, but what Joy the day you get to see your babies. I look forward to being there to see them run to your arms, and I’ll give you the biggest hug as well.
Psalm 16:8 says, I keep my eyes always on the Lord with Him at my right hand I will not be shaken.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU FOREVER
Heather. (Australia)
Amy B-B says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was a relief to find your post on Mother’s Day eve surrounding all the pictures and memes and posts about Mother’s Day on Facebook. After 8 years of infertility, I have now lost 4 babies in a row these past two years, including one I went through IVF to conceive. Every loss has taken a small part of me and I feel like I am losing hope. Your post renewed my hope and also gave me comfort that I was not alone on what is the most difficult day of the year for me. Blessings to you and your family.
Stella @ Stellicious Life says
Stephanie, your story moved me deeply. We haven’t started a family yet, but your grief and loss touched my heart. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us, I am amazed by your and your husband’s strength and fortitude that you didn’t lose faith and kept on trying despite all those miscarriages and lost babies. I am happy that the Lord gave you these 5 children, they are precious! *hugs*
Nutmeg Nanny says
I’m so sorry to read about your struggle but I’m so happy you got to hold 5 precious little babies!
Katerina @ Diethood says
Oh my Gosh 🙁 I can’t stop the tears… I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. 🙁 BUT thank you for sharing your story and I am so happy to see these pics of your beautiful family. ♥♥♥
Rose | The Clean Dish says
I have several friends and family members who went through something similar; I know how hard it was/is for them to cope with the loss of children. Your story is very moving – thanks for sharing!
Cookin Canuck says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Stephanie. I am so sorry for the loss and pain that you and your husband have endured over the years, and still endure. You are in my thoughts.
Kimberly @ The Daring Gourmet says
Thanks for sharing this experience, Stephanie. I was touched, uplifted and reminded yet again of the Lord’s tremendous love for His children. Your faith and your courage are inspiring and I appreciate your sharing such a personal piece of your life’s journey.
Anna @ Crunchy Creamy Sweet says
Thank you for sharing your story, Stephanie. You have a beautiful family. Sending love!
Kirsten / Comfortably Domestic says
I admire your courage and honesty in sharing your story. I have four beautifully healthy sons, but have lost two babies in the second trimester. I understand the feelings. I cannot imagine the strength and grace that it took for you and your husband to continue to walk the path that God has set out for you. Hug those earthly babies of yours tight, and know that you will hug your other babies when it is His will. You are amazing.
Ginny McMeans says
Such a moving story and I am so happy that you have all of those beautiful children to hold. Much love to you all.
Carolyn says
Thanks for sharing your story, Stephanie. Although I haven’t faced that loss, I did struggle for several years to get pregnant. And my sister suffered two miscarriages, as have many of my friends. Motherhood is wonderful…it’s also scary and full of heartache for many reasons.
Lauren Kelly Nutrition says
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have such a beautiful family and you are still allowed to mourn the loss of your other babies. You are blessed and obviously a wonderful mother!!
The Food Hunter says
thanks for sharing your story. beautiful family you have
Erin @ Texanerin Baking says
I can’t even imagine what that must be like. I’m so happy you were able to have kids (though I know that doesn’t take the pain away whatsoever). Thanks for sharing your story. I had no idea!
Brenda@SugarfreeMom says
I had no idea you have lost 6 babies. It’s just amazing how God gave you the courage to even try yet again after so many complications. I’ve never been through that kind of loss but I can assure you I’ve had enough to fill my plate of heartache but it is only through Jesus Christ I have made it through. Thank you for sharing your faith!
Laura / I Heart Naptime says
Oh, my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine what your experience has been.
Mother’s Day is hard for me, too, but for completely different reason. I lost my mom when I was four to Leukemia. It’s a different type of broken, but one that always lingers as well.
Thinking of you, xo
Des @ Life's Ambrosia says
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for having the strength to share it 🙂
Kacey @ The Cookie Writer says
Stephanie, I have read about your struggles in the past and just want to let you know that you are amazing and this story was so touching. You have such a lovely family and you can see how much you care 🙂
teresa says
Thanks so much for sharing such a beautiful story.
Michele says
Stephanie,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart! Sometimes it appears people’s lives are so much more perfect than mine. But when you get to know them, you find out we all have struggles and problems. We all have hurts under the smiles. I have not experienced what you have, my story is a little different. I almost died having my first child and was unable to have any more children. I was overjoyed with my son but mourned the loss of having any more children. I have learned to be content in whatever situation and do not question God but trust in His perfect plan.
Liz says
A beautiful family and I understand your feelings. Have a Happy Mother’s Day.
shellee says
thank you for sharing. God bless and keep you and family
Margaret says
Stephanie,
Your story brings me to tears thinking out the baby I lost at 18 weeks. We had told everyone I was pregnant. I was was showing and wearing maternity clothes. We went in to a normal sonogram and the baby had no heartbeat and was smaller than it should have been for the time. I still had to go through labor that was long and miserable without the prize to look forward to. I was a wreck for months. I never thought that I would ever recover. I spent weeks trying to figure out why this happened to me and what I had done wrong. My doctor assurred me there was nothing I could have done. People said the strangest comments that were meant to be helpful, but always made me feel worse. Finally one woman gave me something to think about…She told me that this was God’s way of making sure I had the children I was supposed to have in my life. For some reason that calmed me down. I have three beautiful daughters that I can’t imagine being without. Especially my youngest who came after that miscarriage. She is definately the baby that I was supposed to have. She is my little sweet girl who is now 15 and looks like me and always makes me laugh. I still miss my baby girl and wonder what it would have been like to have my fourth daughter with us all the time.
Your post was beautiful! Thank you for helping me realize that I am not alone with this.
Margaret
Renee- Kudos Kitchen says
I’m sure this was not easy to write, but you did it so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your story.
Ashley @ Wishes & Dishes says
Thanks for this beautiful post.
Carol Wynn says
Bless your precious heart Stephanie! I am confident your beautiful post will help many mommys out there. Love you❤️
Heather Kinnaird says
this…beyond beautiful! thanks you for sharing your story
Liz Williams says
Hi
Stephanie – what a beautiful story and one that should be shared on Mother’s Day. I am lucky as I did not have to go through what you did – but nearly did when my second child was born by c-section they discovered that if I had gone into labour both or either one of us could have perished. He is now a man of 44 and in the Australian Army and doing so well. My daughter who was born first and with whom I also had trouble; is doing so well and has 2 grown daughters herself.
Yes you are right God does work in weird ways and sometime we question it. I did when my second husband of just 4 years died of cancer just after our 4th wedding anniversary.
You know what is hard are the children whose mothers have died but each are remembered in their own way. Women who should have been here with children, grand children and great grand-children; and this is where I am lucky too.
Cherish those little souls and I know my mum is waiting for me along with my husband for when my time comes.
Thanks you again
Liz Williams
Australia