Beauty From Ashes

I don’t have a recipe to share with you today, instead I am sharing something very personal. Normally, I try to keep things upbeat around here, but sometimes I have something weighing on my heart, and I feel like God wants me to share. Even though it has nothing to do with recipes. Even though it makes me uncomfortable to put such personal things out there for all to see.

Last year when I shared the post “When Mother’s Day is Hard“, I received such an outpouring of love and support from so many of you, as well as messages from so many who were going through similar struggles. I don’t share posts like these for my own benefit. In fact it scares me to publish them. But when you feel a nudge from the Holy Spirit to share, you do it anyway… I think seeing other peoples’ struggles bonds us and makes us feel less alone. So here we go.

I have had a bit of time to process what has happened, and feel that it’s time to share that my husband and I have had to say goodbye to another baby. Our children have another sibling in heaven.

I feel incredibly blessed by the family God has given me. I always wanted a big family, and there were years when it seemed like we would not be able to have children (you can read more of our story here). We now have five little ones that are truly miracles, and I don’t take them for granted for a minute.  However, it’s extremely difficult having seven children that I cannot hold, or kiss, or tell that I love them. The children we have with us do not replace the ones who have passed away. People can’t replace other people. I feel like that is something a lot of people do not understand.

Beyond the heartbreak of losing seven babies is a physical ache that doesn’t stop – I think you can only truly understand if you have lost a child. It doesn’t go away. People don’t “get over” losing a child. You learn how to live in spite of the loss but you are constantly aware of the ones who are missing. My arms literally ache for my babies.

Still, I know that God is good. I believe He creates every single baby purposely and deliberately and each one is wonderfully made (Psalm 139). I don’t know why He allows some to live and others are swiftly carried to heaven. But I do know that his ways are perfect. Isaiah 55:8 says “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Of course I want things to be different. I want all of my babies here with me.

Yet in my heartache, I will trust Him.

And I will continue to enjoy and treasure my children on this earth as I wait for the day I see our other babies face to face. I may not ever understand, this side of heaven, why God allowed us to endure so many losses, but one day, I believe He will allow us to see the whole picture – and I will praise Him then, just as I praise Him now.

Though we have suffered losses before, this time has been really difficult to share with others. We have five children. I know what many people are thinking: “Don’t you have enough kids already?” “Were you really trying to have another baby??” “At least you have your other kids”…

You know what? There is a difference experiencing this loss as a woman without other children verses a mother of five. I can now better understand what I’m missing 💔

Of course, I am speaking from my own personal experiences here. I realize that everyone is different, everyone’s situations are different, and everyone’s way of dealing with loss is different. But I find that one of the hardest parts of miscarriage is how lonely it is. Friends and family didn’t get the chance to know and love our baby. People feel bad for us for a short time, but they, personally, don’t miss our precious baby. They don’t mourn the loss of life like we do.

I think of our 7 babies in heaven every single day. I miss them everyday. I wonder what it would be like if they were here. It is a permanent emotional and physical ache. No one likes to talk about it.

Yes, it’s lonely.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me and think that I dwell on the bad, and go around feeling sorry for myself. I actually make a conscious effort to focus on the good. We have been blessed and truly have so much to be thankful for. I think that going through trials really makes you appreciate everything and everyone so much more. I believe that I am a better mother because of all of this. I value my time with my children and profoundly understand what a gift they are to me. I savor every moment I have with them.

I am sharing the news about our baby, not for other people, not for pity,  but because this little life mattered. God created our baby on purpose. Every life matters, no matter how long or short. Every life has meaning and worth. We loved this baby and I want to honor our baby rather than keep it a secret. I know a lot of people don’t want to talk about miscarriage, but for me, pretending our child never existed feels very wrong. Our little one’s life had value and is loved, and the loss is deeply felt. All seven angel babies hold a place in my heart forever.

The Bible tells us that Jesus was a man of sorrows, familiar with grief, Isaiah 53:3. He does not abandon us is our pain. He is our comforter, and I believe He loves to bring beauty from ashes. Isaiah 61:3 says “He will provide for those who grieve — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, a mantle of praise instead of a spirit of despair…in order to display his splendor.”

Though I don’t know His plans in all of this, my hope is that, somehow, He will receive glory amidst our story.

Sweet baby, mama loves you <3